Post by eric on Mar 18, 2018 21:24:26 GMT
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, THE CITY SO NICE THEY NAMED IT TWICE -- The New York Knicks today unveiled owner's son and self-proclaimed imminent intermillennial champion James Dolan in a freewheeling and frequently offensive press conference. The following transcript has been edited lightly for length, flow, and baroque obscenity. Chairman Leo Hindery attempted to welcome the press to Madison Square Garden only to be repeatedly heckled by an off-microphone Dolan, apparently insisting that the name of the arena was in fact Monroe Square Garden, apparently also unaware that the backdrop very clearly read Madison Square Garden. When Hindery finally acquiesced he was again interrupted immediately after saying "Monroe" by Dolan's loud applause, which he continued alone for at least two minutes until an MSG staffer hesitantly joined in, upon which he began yelling "last clap! Who's got the last clap!" before punctuating Hindery's remaining remarks with a single loud clap, behavior made all the more inexplicable by no one else competing in the apparent contest.
Leo Hindery: "Uh, yes. O- okay. Thank you all for coming to... here. The 2000 season dawns with new... thank you James. The 2000 season dawns with new promise for our historic franchise. While Patrick Ewing's shock retirement leaves a hole that can never be filled... that's what who said, James? ...sorry, where was I. The Cablevision board remains totally committed to the future of this great team and the Madison Sq-... Monroe Square Garden Company? In general. We will now uh.. James would like to say a few words."
James Dolan: "Leo Leo Leo. Let's have a big hand for Leo. Whatever you need, Leo gets! You get it? HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (editor's note: this is not a transcript of laughter. Dolan in fact shouted the word 'ha' repeatedly and at great length.) See this is the great thing about being from the future. I know all these great references that you dumb schmucks won't hear about for centuries. Here's a tip for your grandparents, morons, it's called Lethal Weapon. You're gonna love it."
At this point Chairman Hindery pulled Dolan aside to inform him that the Lethal Weapon movie he was referencing had come out eleven years ago, and in fact two further sequels had been released.
James Dolan: "The point is, I'm from the future. That's why I'm the Executive General Manager, and you're all sitting around with your thumbs up your butts writing on your cute little non digital note pads. Why do you have note pads up your butts, losers? Huh? Which brings me to my next point. The New York Knicks are proud to lift yet another banner to start our storied Famous Ring of Honor in honor of our famous Undisputed Universal World Co-Championship of the Atlantic Division Preseason. In keeping with our tradition of good sportsmanship you gotta tip your hat to the scrappy small town Knicks team for overcoming the b***shit refs that favored the Wizards on every play and twice on triple point fielded goals, that's real fair, hey but they're the ones that have to sleep at night after cheating because that's the only way they could compete with us because we're way better and they're big jerks."
Visibly agitated, Leo Hindery interjected "Thank you very much James. At this time we're not taking any-" before being cut off by Executive General Manager Dolan. "Questions, who's got some questions. Come on nerds, gimme a question."
Mike Lupica: "Mr. Dolan, Mike Lupica, The New York Daily Times. Is it your position that-"
James Dolan: "Glad to be back, Mark. Glad to be back. It's Executive General Manager Dolan, friendly reminder, you'll never work again in this town, my dad owns a dealership. I'd like to start this press conference by first of all thanking these great fans. They're what this is really all about. Without these great fans I don't think I'd ever have been able to go ask my daddy to let me run the team into the ground if I feel like it, who asked you anyway? Security, can we get this guy out of here? Next question!"
Peter Vecsey: "Executive General Manager Dolan, sir, as a time traveler verified by the scientific community is there anything you could share with New Yorkers about the future after the year 2000? Anything we should watch out for, maybe?"
James Dolan, laughing: "I'll tell you about the future, Pete."
Peter Vecsey: "I really prefer Peter."
James Dolan, still laughing: "Pete, the future for New York Town couldn't be brighter. We're gonna hang so many banners from the steel beams in our rafters you'll think they're gonna melt, but you can't even melt steel beams with jet fuel. Next question!"
Arthur Daley: "Sir, the season ticket holders have expressed-"
James Dolan: "I've got the answer. You want the answer? It's simple. All those idiots with their so called 'season tickets' are terrified of a perfectionist. All they want to do is get on the telegraph and Tweet out some daguerreotypes of the latest personal computing machine. Am I wrong? Hey, there's a first time for everything. Meanwhile they forget that this team, this company, and this great country were built on the blood and sweat and tears and guts and distended eyeballs of live goats sacrificed to Lord Baal with their entrails used for... Leo, what do we use their entrails for again?"
Leo Hindery, quietly weeping: ...
James Dolan: "And that's why I'm James "Do It Big" Dolan!"
Leo Hindery: "Uh, yes. O- okay. Thank you all for coming to... here. The 2000 season dawns with new... thank you James. The 2000 season dawns with new promise for our historic franchise. While Patrick Ewing's shock retirement leaves a hole that can never be filled... that's what who said, James? ...sorry, where was I. The Cablevision board remains totally committed to the future of this great team and the Madison Sq-... Monroe Square Garden Company? In general. We will now uh.. James would like to say a few words."
James Dolan: "Leo Leo Leo. Let's have a big hand for Leo. Whatever you need, Leo gets! You get it? HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (editor's note: this is not a transcript of laughter. Dolan in fact shouted the word 'ha' repeatedly and at great length.) See this is the great thing about being from the future. I know all these great references that you dumb schmucks won't hear about for centuries. Here's a tip for your grandparents, morons, it's called Lethal Weapon. You're gonna love it."
At this point Chairman Hindery pulled Dolan aside to inform him that the Lethal Weapon movie he was referencing had come out eleven years ago, and in fact two further sequels had been released.
James Dolan: "The point is, I'm from the future. That's why I'm the Executive General Manager, and you're all sitting around with your thumbs up your butts writing on your cute little non digital note pads. Why do you have note pads up your butts, losers? Huh? Which brings me to my next point. The New York Knicks are proud to lift yet another banner to start our storied Famous Ring of Honor in honor of our famous Undisputed Universal World Co-Championship of the Atlantic Division Preseason. In keeping with our tradition of good sportsmanship you gotta tip your hat to the scrappy small town Knicks team for overcoming the b***shit refs that favored the Wizards on every play and twice on triple point fielded goals, that's real fair, hey but they're the ones that have to sleep at night after cheating because that's the only way they could compete with us because we're way better and they're big jerks."
Visibly agitated, Leo Hindery interjected "Thank you very much James. At this time we're not taking any-" before being cut off by Executive General Manager Dolan. "Questions, who's got some questions. Come on nerds, gimme a question."
Mike Lupica: "Mr. Dolan, Mike Lupica, The New York Daily Times. Is it your position that-"
James Dolan: "Glad to be back, Mark. Glad to be back. It's Executive General Manager Dolan, friendly reminder, you'll never work again in this town, my dad owns a dealership. I'd like to start this press conference by first of all thanking these great fans. They're what this is really all about. Without these great fans I don't think I'd ever have been able to go ask my daddy to let me run the team into the ground if I feel like it, who asked you anyway? Security, can we get this guy out of here? Next question!"
Peter Vecsey: "Executive General Manager Dolan, sir, as a time traveler verified by the scientific community is there anything you could share with New Yorkers about the future after the year 2000? Anything we should watch out for, maybe?"
James Dolan, laughing: "I'll tell you about the future, Pete."
Peter Vecsey: "I really prefer Peter."
James Dolan, still laughing: "Pete, the future for New York Town couldn't be brighter. We're gonna hang so many banners from the steel beams in our rafters you'll think they're gonna melt, but you can't even melt steel beams with jet fuel. Next question!"
Arthur Daley: "Sir, the season ticket holders have expressed-"
James Dolan: "I've got the answer. You want the answer? It's simple. All those idiots with their so called 'season tickets' are terrified of a perfectionist. All they want to do is get on the telegraph and Tweet out some daguerreotypes of the latest personal computing machine. Am I wrong? Hey, there's a first time for everything. Meanwhile they forget that this team, this company, and this great country were built on the blood and sweat and tears and guts and distended eyeballs of live goats sacrificed to Lord Baal with their entrails used for... Leo, what do we use their entrails for again?"
Leo Hindery, quietly weeping: ...
James Dolan: "And that's why I'm James "Do It Big" Dolan!"