Jazz Capture 2022 TMBSL Crown. Oops, We Mean Bulls. No, Hawks. Yeah, the Hawks. Does Anyone Care?
Aug 22, 2019 22:47:19 GMT
Post by TimPig on Aug 22, 2019 22:47:19 GMT
Kris Cirschner
The Sports
Months after the Atlanta Hawks captured their first TMBSL crown, "The Big Peach" still seems blissfully unaware that anything of significance happened in their desolate city.
It's understandable why no one in Atlanta would give a **** that the Hawks won the title. The team lacks any homegrown stars and, much like the city's hockey teams that repeatedly failed to succeed, the basketball team was non-existent for about a decade, not that anyone noticed they were there before they officially shut down operations.
Jonas Valanciunas was Playoffs MVP, but he spent the majority of his career to date in the nation's capital. The team's other primary big man, Olden Polynice, played for two no-longer-extant franchises in Carolina and Los Angeles before finally finding a home in Chicago where he honed his skills and stopped sucking. Larry Johnson, still bitter that he was forced out of Atlanta initially and dropped into the hands of the worst General Manager in league history for roughly a decade, chose to retire immediately after the season and didn't even attend the team's victory parade (not that anyone attended).
The Hawks' 2022 victory parade, where all 19 attendees were white (Getty images)
The Sports
Months after the Atlanta Hawks captured their first TMBSL crown, "The Big Peach" still seems blissfully unaware that anything of significance happened in their desolate city.
It's understandable why no one in Atlanta would give a **** that the Hawks won the title. The team lacks any homegrown stars and, much like the city's hockey teams that repeatedly failed to succeed, the basketball team was non-existent for about a decade, not that anyone noticed they were there before they officially shut down operations.
Jonas Valanciunas was Playoffs MVP, but he spent the majority of his career to date in the nation's capital. The team's other primary big man, Olden Polynice, played for two no-longer-extant franchises in Carolina and Los Angeles before finally finding a home in Chicago where he honed his skills and stopped sucking. Larry Johnson, still bitter that he was forced out of Atlanta initially and dropped into the hands of the worst General Manager in league history for roughly a decade, chose to retire immediately after the season and didn't even attend the team's victory parade (not that anyone attended).
The Hawks' 2022 victory parade, where all 19 attendees were white (Getty images)
Stephen Jackson, a highly coveted free agent in 2019, agreed to terms on a long-term contract with the Jazz but was immediately stabbed in the back by a now retired GM.
And then there's God Shammgod. Congratulations, Atlanta, on celebrating a player whose name alone violates like six different commandments. This writer, for one, will NOT sacrifice his eternal salvation at the altar of 12.8 points and 8.4 assists per game.
Then you have the depth, which everyone knows is the key to a true champion. Tony Battie, Ron Mercer, and Jimmer Fredette - guess where they all perfected their craft? That's right - CHICAGO, a city many basketball experts have described as a "real basketball town."
In conclusion, congratulations to the Jazz, Bulls, and Bullets for piling your combined **** just high enough to win a TMBSL title.
And then there's God Shammgod. Congratulations, Atlanta, on celebrating a player whose name alone violates like six different commandments. This writer, for one, will NOT sacrifice his eternal salvation at the altar of 12.8 points and 8.4 assists per game.
Then you have the depth, which everyone knows is the key to a true champion. Tony Battie, Ron Mercer, and Jimmer Fredette - guess where they all perfected their craft? That's right - CHICAGO, a city many basketball experts have described as a "real basketball town."
In conclusion, congratulations to the Jazz, Bulls, and Bullets for piling your combined **** just high enough to win a TMBSL title.
