Scandal! LeBron James' Incendiary Interview With Scoop Jackson! SLAM Magazine Exclusive!
Sept 4, 2020 17:43:53 GMT
TimPig and killybing like this
Post by eric on Sept 4, 2020 17:43:53 GMT
Picture it: it's 2026. The Bulls win their third title, putting them solidly in the second tier of successful TMBSL franchises: not exactly the gold standard Charlotte Hornets, but not exactly the Carolina Cougars either.
And they draft LeBron James.
Fast forward to 2039. The Bulls win their seventh title in ten years of the LeBron era. The league is more popular than it's ever been, general managers around the league wait with baited breath for the famous Circus Trip that brings LeBron to their arenas for weeks at a time, the circular rookie dispersal system that brought the King to Chi-town in the first place is universally praised and adored.
But it's not all responsibly sourced champagne and low cholesterol tofu at Sprouts headquarters. The absence of decent point guard Oscar Robertson is keenly felt as the Bulls struggle to even make the Conference Finals, requiring seven games to get past a minor league affiliate. The famously amiable Robertson was the perfect running mate to the at times cantankerous James, and sources say he immediately clashed with the below league average Westbrook, reportedly berating him in practice as having "too much Hornets in [him]". The Bulls had to nail their next draft pick, but could they afford to prioritize basketball ability over team chemistry?
After four years without titles and without even making the prestigious FIBA Intertoto Club World Cup for International Champion Clubs Final Round Presented by Emirates Airlines, the answer came:
Suddenly the greatest Bull of all time was on the brink of being the greatest former Bull of all time. The hot stove market erupted as general managers sent in LLEs from around the globe, but even as the facsimile machines churned no one could answer the simple question - why? Why had extension talks broken down? Why would easily the greatest player of all time not named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar even consider leaving the franchise with which he had set so many records, won so many accolades, made so much stinking money? And why after so much drama would he re-up with the squad?
So we asked him.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. Repeated requests for comment to the Bulls front office were not answered even when we asked relatively nicely.
SLAM: LeBron, you shocked the world by declaring your free agency this offseason. Can you walk us through your... quote Decision quote unquote?
LeBron James: When I communicated my wish to leave to my wife, it was a brutal drama. The whole family began crying, my children did not want to leave Chicago. But I've been telling the president & the club that I want to leave all year long!
SLAM: Heartbreaking stuff. Makes you wonder if the Chicago front office has one heart to share between them or they're just a bunch of beautifully unemotional robots that are much better than humans, what makes humans think hearts are so great anyway, hey Chuck Darwin you ever heard of a central fuel pump? LeBron, this is the longest title drought of your much ballyhooed career, and you were in free agency, why come back?
[Editor's note: edited for flow]
LeBron James: "I wasn't happy and I wanted to leave. I have not been allowed this in any way and I will STAY at the club so as not to get into a legal dispute. The management of the club led by Pigulski is a disaster."
SLAM: LeBron, are you suggesting that-
LeBron James (interrupting): "I told to the club, to the president in particular, that I wanted to leave. They know this since the start of the past season. I told them during all last 12 months. But I will stay here because I don't want to start a legal war."
SLAM: Okay, but if we can-
LeBron James (pounding podium): "The truth is that there is no project at this club! They just plug holes as and when things happen! [long pause] I would never go for a war against the club of my life. [visibly emotional] That's why I'm staying."
.
At this point LeBron left the interview, collapsing into the arms of Kevin Love for some reason and sobbing uncontrollably.
You have to wonder what legal fictions the Chicago front office employed to immorally and flagrantly keep an employee against their express interests. There's a word for forcing unwilling people to work where I come from. It's an ugly word, but it fits.
Corporate contract misappropriation and/or disambiguation.
And they draft LeBron James.
Fast forward to 2039. The Bulls win their seventh title in ten years of the LeBron era. The league is more popular than it's ever been, general managers around the league wait with baited breath for the famous Circus Trip that brings LeBron to their arenas for weeks at a time, the circular rookie dispersal system that brought the King to Chi-town in the first place is universally praised and adored.
But it's not all responsibly sourced champagne and low cholesterol tofu at Sprouts headquarters. The absence of decent point guard Oscar Robertson is keenly felt as the Bulls struggle to even make the Conference Finals, requiring seven games to get past a minor league affiliate. The famously amiable Robertson was the perfect running mate to the at times cantankerous James, and sources say he immediately clashed with the below league average Westbrook, reportedly berating him in practice as having "too much Hornets in [him]". The Bulls had to nail their next draft pick, but could they afford to prioritize basketball ability over team chemistry?
After four years without titles and without even making the prestigious FIBA Intertoto Club World Cup for International Champion Clubs Final Round Presented by Emirates Airlines, the answer came:
Suddenly the greatest Bull of all time was on the brink of being the greatest former Bull of all time. The hot stove market erupted as general managers sent in LLEs from around the globe, but even as the facsimile machines churned no one could answer the simple question - why? Why had extension talks broken down? Why would easily the greatest player of all time not named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar even consider leaving the franchise with which he had set so many records, won so many accolades, made so much stinking money? And why after so much drama would he re-up with the squad?
So we asked him.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. Repeated requests for comment to the Bulls front office were not answered even when we asked relatively nicely.
SLAM: LeBron, you shocked the world by declaring your free agency this offseason. Can you walk us through your... quote Decision quote unquote?
LeBron James: When I communicated my wish to leave to my wife, it was a brutal drama. The whole family began crying, my children did not want to leave Chicago. But I've been telling the president & the club that I want to leave all year long!
SLAM: Heartbreaking stuff. Makes you wonder if the Chicago front office has one heart to share between them or they're just a bunch of beautifully unemotional robots that are much better than humans, what makes humans think hearts are so great anyway, hey Chuck Darwin you ever heard of a central fuel pump? LeBron, this is the longest title drought of your much ballyhooed career, and you were in free agency, why come back?
[Editor's note: edited for flow]
LeBron James: "I wasn't happy and I wanted to leave. I have not been allowed this in any way and I will STAY at the club so as not to get into a legal dispute. The management of the club led by Pigulski is a disaster."
SLAM: LeBron, are you suggesting that-
LeBron James (interrupting): "I told to the club, to the president in particular, that I wanted to leave. They know this since the start of the past season. I told them during all last 12 months. But I will stay here because I don't want to start a legal war."
SLAM: Okay, but if we can-
LeBron James (pounding podium): "The truth is that there is no project at this club! They just plug holes as and when things happen! [long pause] I would never go for a war against the club of my life. [visibly emotional] That's why I'm staying."
.
At this point LeBron left the interview, collapsing into the arms of Kevin Love for some reason and sobbing uncontrollably.
You have to wonder what legal fictions the Chicago front office employed to immorally and flagrantly keep an employee against their express interests. There's a word for forcing unwilling people to work where I come from. It's an ugly word, but it fits.
Corporate contract misappropriation and/or disambiguation.
